


Pearl and Rose VS The World

by airamcg



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Comedy, Exactly What It Says on the Tin, F/F, Flash Fic, Gen, Humor, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-09-15 19:28:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9252467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/airamcg/pseuds/airamcg
Summary: 1. The Fascinating Tale of How the Terrifying Renegade Pearl Killed the Mighty Rose Quartz: What Happens Next Will Shock You!2. The Story In Which Rose Quartz Loses A Fight With Pearl: It's Probably Not What You Think





	1. The Fascinating Tale of How the Terrifying Renegade Pearl Killed the Mighty Rose Quartz

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CompletelyDifferent](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CompletelyDifferent/gifts), [Swordtheguy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swordtheguy/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What Happens Next Will Shock You!

Over five thousand years ago, in some secluded forest near a human settlement, a very large bush rustled.

“Pearl, look at what they’re doing now,” said a melodious voice from the bushes.

“Wha--?!” squawked another voice from the bushes. “Why would humans even…? This makes no sense!”

“Fascinating, isn’t it?”

“Is that their _tongue_?! For what purpose would they put _that_ inside another human’s mouth?”

Suddenly, the melodious voice turned sultry. “How about we find out?”

Pearl, staring at her partner and blushing heavily, nodded. “O-okay.”

Of course, first kisses were rarely beautiful. Sometimes, you would awkwardly bump teeth or noses or foreheads. Other times, you would accidentally stab your quartz girlfriend with your naturally pointed nose because you moved in too quickly.

 

And that, my friends, is how the terrifying renegade Pearl poofed the mighty Rose Quartz.

The End.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I blame you for this,  
> my dear CompletelyDifferent  
> I also blame J  
> (you two are influences)  
> with all my love --your Airam
> 
> //P.S. that was a tanka


	2. The Story In Which Rose Quartz Loses A Fight With Pearl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Probably Not What You Think

“DIE, YOU FILTHY FIEND!” 

Pearl’s voice rang out as she dashed out the doors of a human building, spear in hand. She shot a laser blast on the ground a few meters away, then started cursing in four different dead languages when it didn’t hit... whatever she was aiming at. 

“Pearl!” Rose cried after her, from behind. “Oh, such colorful language.”

“Don’t even start with me, Rose.” 

“My, you’re so fired up. You never got like this during the war. It’s a delight to watch your many expressions.”

“Rose, please,” Pearl sighed, “do not flirt with me while we’re hunting a—” 

“What, this poor thing?” Rose raised her hand to Pearl’s view. “What are you planning to do to this lovely creature?” 

Pearl kneaded the crease between her eyebrows. “Rose, that is a rat.”

“I know. Aren’t they  _ adorable?”  _ Rose cooed at the rat dangling from her hand. It was biting down hard and hanging on for dear life, its long tail swaying with each movement she made.

“Rats bring disease and destruction to humankind!” Pearl aimed the tip of her spear at Rose’s hand. “We have to kill it.”

“What? No... I mean, have you seen their large beady eyes? Just look at them! Aren’t we fighting to protect innocent organic creatures like these?”

“Rose, I love you but I draw the line at keeping rats as pets. Besides, the last time we spared a rat, the humans lost almost half their population in Europe!”

“Pearl...”

“No.”

“But—!”

“No! Put the rat down now, Rose, or so help me I  _ will  _ shoot your hand!”

Sighing, Rose reluctantly complied and there was one less rat in the world...

Good riddance.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this during a night-long standoff with a giant rat (estimated to be around 2.5-3 inches tall and 9.5-10 inches long, minus the tail).
> 
> special thanks to Swordtheguy for keeping me sane during this very trying struggle.


End file.
